Sunday, 15 December 2013

Porn Talk: A Conversation (Part I)

Psychology Tomorrow Magazine presents the first in a series of conversations between Nica Noelle, porn director, actor, and media journalist and Benjamin Peck, attorney, porn actor and frequent contributor to Psychology Tomorrow Magazine.

Here, Nica and Ben discuss feminist porn, sexual identity, gender roles and women’s desires in relation to porn.

"BP: Do you consider yourself a feminist porn creator? In your view, what are the most salient characteristics of feminist porn? Do you think feminist porn suffers from any conceptual flaws? If you do, in what ways do you think they could be remedied?

NN: I think the term “feminist porn” is both inaccurate and unfortunate, but I can see why the mainstream media latched onto it: it’s catchy, and when used in a headline it has traction. But no, I don’t consider myself a “feminist porn creator.”

First of all, the word “feminism” has far too many political connotations, many which are negative or alienating to men (and to women, for that matter) to be useful in this context. That aside, it’s my understanding that originally “feminist porn” was meant to describe erotic films created by women who were taking a more sensitive and thoughtful approach to their work than the average (male) porn producer. The implication being this was “good” porn, not “sleazy” porn. Also that it was “ethical” porn, though I’m not sure why that assumption should follow. The notion that porn is somehow better or more ethical just because a woman is behind the camera is complete nonsense and understandably insulting to men.

What we’re seeing in porn right now is a changing of the guard and a new, emerging sensibility, but it has nothing to do with feminism. Feminists didn’t come in and take over – fans just started demanding better porn, because the Internet has allowed them a safe way to do it. Now fans can anonymously voice their pleasure and displeasure about a movie, which they could never do before the Internet. Fans can write film reviews and blogs and generate “buzz” for certain titles. Also, now we have access to market research because of VOD (video on demand), when for so long there was no market research in porn. All of that has resulted in fans being able to demand a higher quality product and reward filmmakers who give it to them.

But feminists didn’t come in and revolutionize anything. Male consumers are still the backbone of the adult industry, and men were the first to ask for and reward better story lines, more realistic sex and higher production values. So, while it’s wonderful that so many women have become more vocal about what they want to see and are openly identifying as “porn fans,” we certainly don’t need to give the credit for “better porn” to the feminist community. We don’t need to attach gender politics to it at all.

Like most industries, adult film has been forced to evolve to survive in the changing economical and technical landscape. That meant providing fans with a better product and responding to their needs. And as a result of those increased standards, people who would have never considered a career in adult films ten years ago are now coming here with artistic agendas – both behind and in front of the camera. There’s a growing perception that adult film has become a legitimate medium for artistic expression and it’s attracting more serious-minded people."

READ MORE: http://www.psychologytomorrowmagazine.com/a-conversation-between-porn-stars-nica-noelle-and-ben-peck/

BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
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Porn Talk: A Conversation (Part II)

Psychology Tomorrow Magazine presents the first in a series of conversations between Nica Noelle, porn director, actor, and media journalist and Benjamin Peck, attorney, porn actor and frequent contributor to Psychology Tomorrow Magazine.

Here, Nica and Ben discuss feminist porn, sexual identity, gender roles and women’s desires in relation to porn.

"BP: How important is context/storyline in your porn? As I understand it, feminist porn provides a compelling link between “mere sex” and the reason why the sex is taking place. In your work, do you think well-established context makes the sex hotter?

NN: I don’t think it’s true that “feminist porn” innovated story lines. Story-line driven adult films have been around for decades. Not only that, but many of the titles screened at this year’s Feminist Porn Awards had no storylines at all – there were a lot of artsy, avant garde type-offerings, with poetry voice-overs and that sort of thing.

If I had to give you a definition for the term “feminist porn,” it would be a sexually explicit movie created by a woman, not “for” other women, but purely for her own sense of sexual expression. That definition would ring true to me, because it removes the viewer’s desire from the equation, and it removes the “male gaze” from the equation. It’s about a woman in complete control of the way her sexuality is depicted. I think you could call a film like that “feminist porn” and it would be an accurate description.

Storyline is very important in my films, but only as a tool to build excitement for the sex. After all, the viewer is watching porn because she wants to be aroused; otherwise she could rent a mainstream movie or just turn on the TV. The only thing I can offer her that mainstream filmmakers can’t are depictions of explicit sex, so that’s what I need to focus on.

So the next question is, what makes sex hot? Forbidden attraction is high on the list. Lusting after someone you’re “not supposed to” lust after. Whether it’s an inappropriate attraction due to age difference, race, family relations, a teacher and student, a boss and employee – there are so many areas in life where we’re told not to act on our sexual attraction. So I try to exploit that theme as much as possible while giving the viewer a situation he can relate to. Not many of us can relate to falling for the pizza delivery guy and inviting him in for sex, but we can relate to having a secret crush on our teacher, or on our brother’s girlfriend.

In constructing the dialogue and story, I try to stay away from anything that doesn’t build tension and increase excitement for the sex scene. My job is to arouse, and so the story line, the dialogue, everything is structured with that end in mind. By the time the characters in the movie have sex, I want their sense of urgency to be believable, and I want the viewer to be craving a sexual release right along with them. If I can accomplish that, the movie is a success."

READ MORE: http://www.psychologytomorrowmagazine.com/ben-peck-nica-noelle-porn-talk-conversation-part-ii/

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Sunday, 8 December 2013

How To Please Your Submissive

Ok, let's turn the tables here... How do you please your submissive?

All consensual relationships obviously are give & take and your subbie will have their requirements, needs, wants and also enjoy some special 'treats', right?

It'd be nice to hear from you what you do to make sure your sub's 'happy' and content. How do you look after them?

And you subbies, please tell us what pleases you, makes you happy, where your special delight comes from and what it is about?

Thanks for sharing,

Aidan xXx

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Friday, 6 December 2013

How To Dominate A Man In Bed...

Yes alright, this one is a bit tongue-in-cheek...

But really, do you think there are differences between genders? What are they? Have you come up with a 'winning recipe'?

And you subbie-men, what makes you get weak in the knees? What would you (respectfully of course) recommend to your Topping Ladies & Gentlemen?

Go on, spill the beans (you will inspire)!

Love,

Aidan xXx

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Wednesday, 4 December 2013

How and When Did You First Become Aware of Your Kink or Fetish?

It would be great to hear your stories about this!

Here is one of mine: A many of you know I've got a huge 'thing' for feet. Although I'm not always 100% sure what to actually do with them once I've got 'the pleasure' I do think feet are absolutely the sexiest, most beautiful thing EVER. ;-)

I became aware of an attraction to other peoples' feet when I was very young. I saw this young woman wearing lots of toe rings and going barefeet (very hippy, I know) and I just couldn't take my eyes of them.

Now, as I said I was still quite young and certainly hadn't worked out my sexuality by that stage. BUT I knew I found this 'image' arousing in some strange way.

Ever since I've played with the fantasy and later on with the reality of feet as a fetish. I really can't explain it - it's just there, and there is not an iota of doubt in my mind about that FEET ARE SEXY!!! Strange one that...

Over to you!

Love, Aidan x

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Tuesday, 3 December 2013

Think Kink - BiZarre Events' Free Mini-Zine

 Hello All - I'm pretty sure I've just given birth...

Here is the first edition of BiZarre Event's (free) 'Think Kink' mini-zine. This small but of course perfectly well-endowed little fellow provides an introduction to the world of fetish and kink to those wonderful souls as yet uninitiated to such pleasures.

The mini-mag is printed on a single sheet of A4 paper and then niftily folded into this brilliant little publication. When I first saw this clever solution for self-publishing I just HAD to do something with it!

I'll get these to the printers now, and once they're back we'll make them available in the right places. Please let me know if you'd like a few copies to hand out. There'll also be a downloadable version (PDF) on our website soon.

I hope you like it!

Love,

Aidan BiZarre xXx

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Sunday, 1 December 2013

Slave or Submissive - What's The Difference?

How do you personally define the difference between a 'slave' and a 'submissive'?

The general feeling amongst intelligent, consensual players is of course that everyone is free to define those terms in any way they see fit. And I agree, but I also feel that, not only for newbies, it is important to try and define this sort of label at least once, for oneself.

How about these statements for example?

A slave is someone who has 'given up all rights of individuality and self-determination'.

Or how about this one: 'A slave is not neccessarily submissive'...

Or perhaps 'these terms define a certain level of permnanence in the relationship'?

What do you think?

Love,

Aidan x

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Friday, 29 November 2013

A Misunderstanding... Kink and Fetish

Here's one for the more experienced of you.

I'm asking you, from the inside looking out, what are the greatest, biggest misconceptions about our lifestyle, kink and fetish by those not actually involved?

This is one place to help correct wrong ideas, adjust misaligned views and eliminate unfair prejudices...

One that always gets me is the assumption that a Dom/sub relationship is automatically not one between equals, even abusive and violent...

What do you think? What other examples do you have?

Love,

Aidan x

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Wednesday, 27 November 2013

SSC, RACK, PRICK, CCC...???

If you don't know what these mean you should DEFINITELY READ THIS!

Yes, these acronyms are all somewhat controversial on the scene...

But nevertheless they describe ideologies and approaches to play that are fundamentally important to be aware of understand before even thinking of playing with anyone.

It'd be great to have your input on this subject!

Love,

Aidan xXx


SSC - Safe, Sane, & Consensual

It is held with the focus on the Sanity for safety and consent of the bottom. Although considered best among all, the top has many limits, as he/she is abide to the consent of the partner, and should not do anything that can risk the safety of the partner, even if that is being desired. This limitation is something that is 'undesired' by many, as they want better Power Exchange between them, with more power for the Top.


RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink

This is technically a replacement of SSC, and allows the activities that are prohibited by SSC (for being Unsafe with respect to Sanity). The basic concept is that, as far as the practitioners are aware of the 'Risks' involved, they should go for the activities. However, 'True Consent' is the major requirement. This one can allow more sets of activities, but psychologically in this one, the 'Bottom' has more power, as the activities are solely based on the bottom's needs. It was made based on the aspect that most of the activities in Kink cannot be 100% 'safe', and we have to take some risks. So the focus here is on 'Risk Awareness', and not on the 'Safety based on Sanity'. More and more practitioners have started to call their themselves RACK instead of SSC. However, outside the BDSM community, SSC is the most popular one to define the ideology of kinksters.


PRICK - Personal-Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

Somewhat new and unpopular term, PRICK is an extension of RACK, which only adds a single clause to Rack (while keeping everything else same) that both the partners are responsible for their own actions. This is more like risk transfer from Top to Bottom, which suggests mainly that when a 'Bottom' has consent and agrees for an activity, he/she is responsible for the activity, and not the Top (who is actually the practitioner of the activity). In this term, Bottom has more Power than Top, as compare to RACK. Although much similar to RACK, the satisfaction in the mind of TOP allows better activities due to lesser rick involved for herself/himself. For many, the usage of PRICK does not make sense, also because of the literal meaning of 'Prick'.



CCC - Committed Compassionate Consensual

Very recently introduced term, CCC has also become popular in some small groups of BDSM. What all the other three BDSM guidelines lack, CCC has, but obviously for lesser security for the bottom. CCC is technically the maximum power exchange from Bottom to Top, and is more appropriate for TPE (Total Power Exchange) or 24/7 relationships, rather than the session activities with professionals or short term groups/couples. In this, instead of Bottom's desires and required activities, only 'Unwanted' and 'Undesired' activities are defined. In other sense, only 'Hard Limits' are disclosed. Then Top chooses/decides all the activities - when and what, himself/herself. Even 'Safewords' are not permitted. This true power exchange is desired by many, but the risks involved in this are very high. However, some 'Open Discussions' can be conducted for the changes in 'Hard Limits' so that it remains in the boundaries of consensuality, which is the base of BDSM. CCC sounds easy and satisfactory for most, but very few people can actually go for it. As soon as they realize the Risks associated, and the difficulties of handling the situations properly, they quickly revert to any of the three other concepts and adopt them appropriately.

Please note: Not all practitioners know about all these terms and not all of them consider them following these guidelines. Some avoid them and some even use different terminologies. It is also important to notice that these guidelines have no status in any of the legal systems.


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BDSM / Fetish Playlist (a PDF by Jrsygir1 - 6/2000)

"This list was inspired by many existing lists on the internet....it was prepared and is intended for
educational purposes only and should not be used for commercial gain..... please feel free to reproduce and distribute this document free of charge anywhere on the internet or in print.

This is a Playlist that may help couples figure out what their wants and needs are. Personally I dont like playlists but sometimes they are good communication tools. When someone fills it out they should indicate if they are filling it out for their ultimate Dominant/Top partner or for someone in
particular, taking into consideration the nature of the relationship.

In other words if I were filling it out for my longtime Dominant partner it would look different than if I were filling it out for a new casual play partner. Some of the answers would be different based on the nature of the relationship and the level of trust involved.

Please note: nothing in my opinion takes the place of chemistry and face to face communication."

Enjoy! Axxx

http://www.fetishalliance.net/Stories/SM_BD_DS/Checklist/BDSMFetishPlaylist.pdf


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What About Pony Play..?

Here's a subject I happen to know not much about myself... The little bit I do know is that Pony Play is / can be highly aesthetic, beautiful and it seems very liberating and simply fun.

It's also a rather popular fetish and I thought it'd be nice to hear from you who are practicing Pony Play what this is really about for you, what your experiences are, how you got into it, etc. And please do feel free to also post pictures and photographs of course...

Again, thanks for sharing!

Love, Aidan xXx


BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
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Saturday, 23 November 2013

Tonight! Q U Ǝ E R L O N D O N - Alternative XXX Fetish Sex Night Club


Tonight @ 156 Wells Way, Camberwell, London SE5 7SY, 11pm-6am!

* FREE DRINKS ALL NIGHT (Alc & Soft)!!!
* MALES, FEMALES, TV/TS/CD
* STRAIGHT, GAY, BISEXUAL
* 7 HOURS OF PARTY
* 2 LIVE DJs
* FULL-ON PLAY ORGY
* WET ROOM & SHOWERS
* DUNGEON
* RESIDENT DOMINATRIX
* FEMALE STEWARDS
* GREAT MUSIC
* OPEN-MINDED, INTELLIGENT CROWD

FULL NUDITY ALLOWED!

FULL-ON FETISH PLAY POSITIVELY ENCOURAGED!

See you tonight!

Lots of Love,

Nina & Aidan xXx


BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
www.queer-london.com
www.bizarre-events.com
✉ bizarreeventslondon@gmail.com
☎ 07808 221 585



BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
Web: http://www.bizarre-events.com
Email: bizarreeventslondon@gmail.com --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Friday, 22 November 2013

At Kink / Fetish Events: What Can I Expect, And What (If Anything) Is Expected Of Me?

Here's another one which may seem obvious and relatively easy to answer for experienced kinksters. But of course, if you've never ever been to a 'full-on' fetish/kink event your mind will work overtime, thinking about what to expect and also what is expected of you.

Entering a fetish / kink event where people meet to play in all sorts of ways (perhaps even with partner/s present) is arguably the most complex social situation anyone is ever likely to find themselves in.

Every club worth its salt will have their 'rules of engagement' spelled out clearly way before the event. And there you'll find rules like 'no means no', 'don't physically interact with anyone unless explicitly invited to do so', etc.

(You can find our's here on our website for example: http://www.bizarre-events.com/#!club-rules/c20nk ).

But what is the reality like? What are your hints and tips for those new to the scene? Have you ever 'broken' one of these rules by accident (I'm sure most of us have done at some point)? How was that dealt with? What were /are  your expectations? How do those expectations translate into reality? Are there different rules for Ms and Fs?

Your thoughts are very much appreciated.

Love,

Aidan x

BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
Web: http://www.bizarre-events.com
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Thursday, 21 November 2013

When is the Right Time to Tell a (New) Partner About Kink?

Ah, this is a good one, isn't it...?

It brings up all sorts of questions about honesty, the importance of certain aspects of your personality, trust, fear of loosing someone, embarrasment even.

When do you 'come out' as a 'perv'. Right at the beginning of a new relationship? Maybe after a few dates? In the bedroom? In the pub? Or once you've decided it's getting 'serious'? Maybe you don't tell them at all...?

Let us know what you think, and share your own experiences if you like.

Love & kisses,

Aidan xXx

BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
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Wednesday, 20 November 2013

How Do You Come Up With A Good Screen / Scene Name?

Male Model Stas Fedyanin
Male Model Stas Fedyanin
Obviuosly, it is a very good idea indeed to NOT use your real name online (anywhere, not just on fetish and kink related websites) for privacy and security reasons, I'm sure you'll all agree.

But that throws up the question of how to choose an appropriate name for your online presence.

What are the criteria? What makes a 'good' name? What's important? What should you definitely not do? What made you choos your's (if you have one)?

It'd be very interesting to hear your thoughts on this.

Love,

Aidan xXx


BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
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Cracking the Code of Sexual Chemistry (by Stanley Siegel, LCSW)

"We’ve all had the experience of seeing someone on the street or in a social setting and feeling an instant attraction.

Our eyes lock, our pulse races, everyone else in the room disappears. Other times, attraction sneaks up on us slowly as we get to know someone. One day we realize that we are very sexually attracted to them.

Whether it is their hair, body, voice,  smell, or their attitude and behavior, that attracts us, we attribute it to the mysteries of chemistry."


READ MORE:  http://www.psychologytomorrowmagazine.com/cracking-the-code-of-sexual-chemistry/

Love,

Aidan xXx

Image: “The Sleep of the Beloved” by Paul Schneggenburger

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Monday, 18 November 2013

Monogamy and Kink?

Here's a wonderful contribution by one of our readers:

So here's one for you.. who's sick of kink having to equal no one seems able to sustain a single partner any more?

i am relatively new to kink activity but i cannot see why it has to be so lacking in willingness to stick to one person at a time.. for me, kink is better when i get to know one partner well, rather than this wafer thin spread it as far as you can competition i see going on..

it seems like i am a dinosaur or something outre, expecting fidelity from my dirty boi or grrl.. what are your thoughts on this? i am not trying to piss off the open honest poly people or those simply looking honestly for casual, but there are a raft pf fakes and phoneys out there, professing to be seeking a partner when they actually end up meaning they want you and anyone else as well... is it just a hopeless thing, or just the wrong people?

interested to see if anyone else has had some fucktards promise fidelity and end up being just another cunt wanting to get their end away.. pfft.

Personally i would rather develop a wicked deep level of kink with a like minded pervert, and explore that well, before i maybe add others to the mix, if at all.. it just seems like a walk thru the sea of most person's souls would hardly get your feet wet lol....

discuss



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The Art of Sensual Spanking with Miss Severity Myers

When: Thursday 14th Nov, bubbles and cupcakes from 6.30pm, workshop from 7pm.

Where: Sh! Store, 57 Hoxton Square, London, N1 6HD

My sensual spanking workshop for ladies only at the fabulous Sh! store in Hoxton this Thursday evening is almost sold out. So if you feel in need of learning a few sensual spanking secrets to drive your partner wild book your tickets here:

http://www.sh-womenstore.com/Erotic+Classes/14%25252F11-Sensual-Spanking-with-Miss-Myers.html



BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
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Living Dolls - What do you think? Sexy? Creepy? Both?

"Did you know about the 'Barbie Flu'? Real-life women (and men!) are converting themselves into living dolls by any means necessary. Sexy or creepy?"
Check out this site / gallery:
http://postfunto.com/reallife-people-who-have-become-living-dolls?pid=126967



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Besides Your Fetish / Kink Profile Text What Else Is Important?

We've recently had a very good discussion about how to write the 'perfect' profile text for Kink & Fetish Websites like Fetlife.

Today I'd like to ask you:

BESIDES YOUR PROFILE WHAT ELSE IS IMPORTANT?



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Friday, 8 November 2013

QUEER LONDON - FETISH, SEX & TECHNO!!!


QUEER LONDON
▤▤▤▤▤▤▤▤
Saturday, Nov 23rd
www.queer-london.com


BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
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Friday, 1 November 2013

Ballerina Bondage Fairies

Some very sexy / explicit photographs for all you fellow pervs.

"Gathered here: the kinky, the flexible, the beautiful. The afterhours activities of private dancers."

http://ballerinabondagefairies.tumblr.com/

 Love,

Aidan x


BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
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Wednesday, 30 October 2013

Finding the Courage to Reveal a Fetish - By Jillian Keenan (New York Times)

 "DAVID doesn’t remember this conversation, but I won’t forget.

“Nice belt,” I said, gesturing to the red canvas belt around his waist. 

We had met a few weeks earlier through a Stanford student group. He was quiet and broad-shouldered. I liked him right away. 

“I have a leather one, too,” he replied, smiling. 

I was thunderstruck. For as long as I remember, I’ve been fairly obsessed with spanking. This obsession felt impossible to share, so I was always hungry for cues that someone could relate. David’s remark was innocent, of course, but I was so desperate for understanding that I imagined connections everywhere. 

“You’re in trouble!” a friend once declared when I playfully stole his textbook during a date.
“Really?” I asked, hope rising. 

He started tickling me. The relationship was doomed. 

I had long assumed my life partner would share my kink. At 17, I met my first boyfriend while living abroad. He was 24 and so comfortable with his sexual identity that on our second date he asked whether I had “ever received a severe spanking.” 

His question took my breath away, and our next 18 months were essentially an extension of that first electrified moment. By the time we broke up, I had come to accept that a shared fetish was a necessary part of any future relationship. 

But David, it turned out, is “vanilla” — the word the spanking community uses to describe people who don’t share our quirk. I was disappointed, but it was too late: I had already fallen in love with him."


READ MORE: http://www.nytimes.com/2012/11/11/fashion/modern-love-a-spanking-fetish-is-not-revealed-easily.html?_r=0


BiZarre Events - London's Most Extreme Fetish Sex Parties!
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Tuesday, 29 October 2013

A Mini-History of the Corset


"In the 1830's, the corset was thought of as a medical necessity. It was believed that a woman was very fragile, and needed assistance from some form of stay to hold her up. Even girls as young as three or four, and probably directed by the best motives, were laced up into bodices.

Gradually these garments were lengthened and tightened. By the time they were teenagers, the girls were unable to sit or stand for any length of time without the aid of a heavy canvas corset reinforced with whale bone or steel. The corset deformed the internal organs making it impossibe to draw deep breath, in or out of a corset. Because of this, Victorian women were always fainting and getting the vapours.

Women were thought of as the weaker sex, therefore their minds and bodies were weak. So the corset was deemed morally and medically necessary. Tight lacing was considered virtuous - a loose corset was probably a sign of a loose woman. To keep her innocence and virtuousity, a lady had to be chaperoned everywhere she went. She could not read or see any plays lest it excite her imagination. Even Shakespeare was thought unsuitable for ladies. A woman needed to protect herself from lustful men (and her own morality) by wearing heavily reinforced layers of clothing and tight corsets that made getting undressed a long and difficult task.

Working-class women (except when dressed for special occasions) did not go through the discomfort of wearing tightly laced corsets. They wore looser corsets and simpler clothes, with less weight. The higher up in class a lady was, the more confining her clothes were. This was because they didn't need the freedom to do household chores. Paid servants took care of such cumbersome matters.

Thanks to contributor Anders Dinsen for the following extract:

(He wrote this referring to Valerie Steele's book "Fashion and Eroticism, Ideals of Feminine Beauty from the Victorian Era to the Jazz Age". Oxford University Press, 1985.)

The corset is an interesting garment, which to most people in our modern world seems a very strange piece of underwear. We have all heard about the times when women were encased in long stiff corsets, reduced to nothing but objects of beauty, unable to perform any task. This is, however, only a part of the historical facts about that time -- and about corsets.

When talking corsetry, the most interesting period of fashion is the period from 1820 to about 1910. But the corset is much older than that. In Europe, it has been in general use as an undergarment since the middle ages, but it probably dates several thousands of years back. The corset has at all times been used for shaping the body, most often for compressing the waist, but sometimes for raising the bust.

The most widespread use of corsets was in the 19th century. Contrary to common belief, almost all women of every class wore corsets in those times. Fashion was formed by the upper class, so they were the primary users of the 'fashion devices' like corsets and the crinoline, but the working classes followed the trends of fashion to as high a degree as possible. For example, the Courtaulds Company instructed its workers in 1860, that: "The present ugly fashion of hoops or crinolines ... is ... quite unfitted for the work of our factories. ... We now request our hands at all factories to leave hoop and crinolines at home." [Steele, p. 75].

A compelling question is of course, how tightly were the corsets laced? There are many reports of waists between 18 and 14 inches - even 12 inch waists are mentioned. [Steele, p. 163] However, it is believed that most accounts of these very small waists represent fantasies. Measurements of corsets in museum collections indicate that most corsets of the period 1860 to 1910 measured from 20 to 22 inches. Furthermore, those sizes do not indicate how tightly the corsets were laced. They could easily have been laced out by several inches, and probably were, because it was prestigious to buy small corsets.

So ordinary corsets were not so tight after all, and contrary to common belief, the construction of the corset with the metal busk for front closure and the lacing in the back, enabled the bearer to lace herself in. She did not need a maid or husband to help her.

Severe tight-lacing was practiced, and some corsetieres specialized in cultivating very small waists. Some men developed a fetish for small waists, a fetish which was regarded as quite acceptable. Small waists and the corset probably played about the same role as full breasts and the Wonderbra play today.

Finally, another reference, which deals with the fetish of corsets:

(David Kunzle: Fashion and Fetishism, A Social History of the Corset, Tight-Lacing and Other Forms of Body Sculpture in the West. Rowman and Littlefield, 1980.)"


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In Favor of Casual Sex - By Stanley Siegel

"Sex is far from the primitive, base instinct we are led to believe it is. It’s our most complicated human need. Whether in a casual encounter or a long relationship, through sex we communicate our emotions, negotiate power, give and receive pleasure, confront our fears and fantasies, and sometimes heal our inner lives.

Moreover, I have grown to appreciate how sex benefits us far beyond its physical pleasure or biological function. When practiced intelligently and generously, sex has the capacity to help heal our emotional wounds and rectify unmet childhood needs.

Every sexual experience represents a moment of extreme intensity in which our entire inner life our history and imagination is expressed in action. It’s an altered state of consciousness in which the past and present, body, mind and spirit all merge to form a new reality unlike any other experience in our lives. It is impossible for any sexual experience to be absent of emotion or even to lack meaning. Even when we feel emotionally detached during sex, we aren’t really devoid of emotion. Looked at more deeply, such apparent detachment is in fact a reflection of emptiness that we may feel more generally in our lives."

READ MORE: http://www.psychologytomorrowmagazine.com/stanley-siegel-intelligent-lust-casual-sex/



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Monday, 28 October 2013

If there was one thing you could teach a DOM(ME) starting their journey into BDSM what would it be?

Again, his is probably a question for all of you more experienced players first, both Dom & sub of

But maybe some of you newbies, just starting out will have a 'thing or two' to add to this...?
I think this will be another interesting thread.

Love & Kisses,

Aidan xXx
course.

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Getting you off hard! BI-KINK CLUB - This Friday, November 1st 2013

This adult sex party is for bisexual or bi-curious kinky fetishists. Another bizarre event with the same open-minded and creative approach to sex as a base line.

* FREE DRINKS ALL NIGHT (Alc & Non-Alc)!!!
* MALES, FEMALES, TV/TS/CD
* STRAIGHT, GAY, BISEXUAL
* FULL-ON PLAY ORGY
* WET ROOM
* RESIDENT DOMINATRIX
* FEMALE STEWARDS
* GREAT MUSIC
* OPEN-MINDED, INTELLIGENT CROWD

Bi-Kink Club is explicitly for bisexual males and females as well as TV/CD/TS or gender-fluid people and those of any other gender-identity. We welcome single males and single females, as well as couples and poly-groups of any configuration.

This party is a full-on sex orgy. M/M, F/F, M/M/F, F/F/M etc. activity is explicitly welcome!

We welcome experienced players as well as newbies and those of you who are bi-curious and like to experience your fantasies in real life, in a safe, sane and sexy environment.

If you are looking for respectful, free-spirited, open-minded, sexually intelligent bisexual play-mates then this is the sex party for you!

READ REVIEWS & FEEDBACK HERE: http://www.bizarre-events.com/#!reviews/c2xz


PLEASE RSVP HERE : http://www.bizarre-events.com/#!Bi-Kink%20Club/c1bo1


See you on Friday!

Love,

Aidan & Nina xXx



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Sunday, 27 October 2013

What Is Queer?

Here is something I have written earlier this year in response to a question brought forward by fellow

The question was about us (Nina & myself) using the name/word Queer for one of our club nights, put forward by a number of people, all very much involved in 'the scene', and I distilled it to/understood another version of "what is queer". Here is my response, and it would be great to have your thoughts on this subject:

"For us queer can mean 'different', 'outside the norm' and maybe 'other', 'new', 'odd', 'unexpected', 'iteresting', 'colourful', 'surprising', 'inspiring', etc.

Now, this is perhaps a very individual and personal interpretation of the word queer, but I think also a valid one (as is everyone else's). We feel comfortable with the label queer, as we are also comfortable to be described as pansexual and bisexual. Having said that, I'm quite aware that the term queer brings up other, at times very different connotations.

We have started an open group on Facebook recently where we invite people to discuss 'queerness', and it became obvious that the term invokes strong (and very valid) feelings in some. In my (personal) opinion, as the term queer suggests 'inclusiveness' within Queer Theory, even straight people can (have the right to) be as 'queer' as they like. But that's probably another discussion for another time...

To elaborate this point: It is arguable that sexuality is a social construct, but the subjects are also constructs of their (our) culture. This makes it very difficult to step outside of these categories (e.g. one's own sexuality). That's perhaps the reason why it's Queer Theory and not Gay or Lesbian Theory - the term queer is an attempt to overcome categories and the difficulties with the notion of identity. The term 'queer' itself (in contrast to say 'Lesbian' or 'Gay') is undefined, purely 'relational' and without essence (whether sexual or otherwise). It gets its meaning by 'being outside the norm'.

There are of course very well defined political associations (e.g. Radical Queers) and possible social negativisms, etc. that come hand in hand with the word queer. For us the word means inclusiveness (or non-exclusion), at odds with the normal, the legitimate, the dominant, not marginalising anyone (lesbian, gay, straight, bi, pan, trans...), deconstruction of 'the norm' however that norm itself may be defined (not necessarily as sexual even), critique and discourse.

Discourse, critique and deconstruction of the 'heterosexist regime'."

Lots of Love,

Aidan xXx
members of a particular FETLIFE group. I'm reposting this because I'd like to start a conversation about 'labels' in general here on K4B...

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Are BDSM Enthusiasts Healthier...? From The Daily Mail

I never thought I'd ever publish anything from the Daily Mail, but here we go...

"Could bondage be good for you? S&M enthusiasts are 'healthier and less neurotic' than those with a tamer sex life

Those who enjoy indulging in fetishes are psychologically healthier and happier than the general population, say Dutch researchers

Experts believe this is because they are more outgoing and less neurotic

Those who played the dominating role in sex games were deemed as the most mentally healthy and submissives the least

But none of the S&M participants scored lower than the general population in psychological tests

Some may think it is perverse, but enjoying the snap of the whip or the clink of chains on skin could make you more psychologically healthy than those who enjoy a more mundane sex life.

A study found that BDSM - bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism - enthusiasts scored better on a variety of personality and psychological tests compared to those who did not have sexual fetishes.

Experts say this is because those who enjoyed kinky sex were more extroverted, more open to new experiences and less neurotic.

Dr Andreas Wismeijer, a psychologist from Tilburg University, found that  BDSM practitioners ‘either did not differ from the general population and if they differed, they always differed in the more favourable direction’.

Dr Wismeijer and his fellow researchers asked BDSM fans to undergo a variety of psychological questionnaires online.

They also sought participants who did not do BDSM via a women's magazine website, a personal secret website and a university website.

Participants did not know what the surveys were about, other that they concerned ‘human behaviour’."


http://www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2333244/Could-bondage-good-S-M-enthusiasts-healthier-neurotic-tamer-sex-life.html


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Friday, 25 October 2013

How to Write the Perfect Profile Text for Fetish & Kink Community Websites

Writing about yourself is never easy. It's probably even harder when it comes to effectively communicating on subjects like your sexual desires, fantasies, kinks and fetishes.

If you have sucessfull profiles on kink / fetish community websites such as Fetlife.com, if you have experience with writing profiles that 'work' and attract the right attention from people you actually might want to stay in touch with or even meet please share this here.

And if you are new and have questions or comments about profile-writing please ask!

Here are some of my tips / what I consider the most important things to keep in mind when writing your fet / kink profile text:

Be yourself!

Write exactly what you think and feel. Don't try to please anyone. You have got to like your profile - that's really the only thing that matters...

Write in the positive!

Rather than writing: 'I'm not looking for...' rather say what it is you ARE looking for. The only exception I think really should be something clearly worded to avoid the time-wasters and cock-picture senders (unless you're into that of course).

Keep it personal!

Write from your point of view, not the target's. Say what you want/like and why, not just what you're expecting. Ok, for example: (bad) '...as my sub you're expected to do xyz' but rather (good) '...having a sub do xyz for me would make me feel...'

Also, I think it's really important to let people know WHY it is you've decided to be on that particular website with a profile... Is it to actually meet others, or rather to learn, to chat, to ask questions?

Why you're on this particular kink / fetish website with a profile is more important than what you're looking for. Try to be explicit (if that's you), but definitely try to be clear and honest!

Try to be exact about what you're looking for. And then write about that and let others know...

...and please, please, PLEASE! Make sure your spelling and grammar are correct. It just looks careless if you're hammering out an important text about yourself and then don't care enough about it to at least spell-check the thing!


Love,

Aidan xXx


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How would you complete this sentence? 'Dear 50 Shades of Grey Readers...'

Divided opinions and strong feelings. An entertaining eye-opener for newbies, an inacurate bit of pulp for bored housewives, or a complete waste of time.*

No matter who you talk to, it seems, everyone has an opinion of some sort about this book and/or its impact on the 'scene' as well as on the vanilla world.

We'd like to hear your take on things. Whether you've actually read the book or not doesn't really matter, but it would be great to rather hear about whether you think it has made a difference in the mainstream world and our's...

Love, Aidan x

* PS: I haven't actually heard it being described as 'a great piece of literature' but my little poll was probably less than 100% representative... ;-)

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200 Questions - The BDSM Checklist by CEPE

A fantastic tool to help you consider, discuss and negotiate your BDSM play activities:

"Checklists are frequently difficult to complete due to the complex variety to what we enjoy. When we try to fill them out as Tops, Bottoms, Dominants, Submissives, etcetera there is usually confusion over fetishes that aren't physically interactive between partners or over activities that may not clear as to who is giving and who receiving.

A sincere effort has been made here to reduce this kind of confusion, but bdsm checklists will never be perfect enough that you won't probably have to go to your partner and confer about how to answer at least one item. Take it as a blessing in disguise - a bdsm checklist is only supposed to get a conversation started. That's what the tool is made for.

Remember, it's just a beginning to negotiation, not an end in itself. "

http://www.cepemo.com/checklist.html

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Thursday, 24 October 2013

What do you wish you had been told before your first 'munch'?

Munches are often the first point of contact with the kinky / fetish / BDSM scenes for many people interested in potentially getting more invloved in those scenes.

What are your experiences with munches? How was your first time going to one? How are newbies welcomed at the munches you might attend regularly? What are your thoughts about going to a munch for the first time? What and where are the best munches for what sort of 'flavour'...?

And if you are the organiser of a munch then please feel free to use this post as a platform to talk about your offering!

Really, any interesting facts and questions about munches...

Love, Aidan x


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Wednesday, 23 October 2013

Feeling Knotty? Go and visit the Knotty Boys Website...

"We (Dan and JD) first began teaching interactive rope bondage workshops in 1999 at a venue in San Francisco (our hometown) called Castlebar. Sadly, Castlebar has since closed its dungeon doors, but we pressed forward.

Through the early 2000's we continued teaching at a variety of Bay Area venues. In 2002 we began work on our first book, Two Knotty Boys: Showing You the Ropes. Published in November 2006, Showing You the Ropes helped expand our impact on the rope bondage community.

Since then, we've traveled around the world teaching our unique brand of fusion rope bondage. We've created over 100 video tutorials (available for download on this site). And we're proud to say that our second book, Two Knotty Boys: Back on the Ropes, is now available!

Our goal is to demystify rope bondage. To provide instruction for safe, functional and estetically pleasing ties for the bedroom or beyond!"

http://www.knottyboys.com


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How to choose a BDSM role for yourself...

Was this an almost pre-determined thing for you? Or was it rather a process? How did you decide?

What did you take into consideration? Do you have to decide in the first place? What about being a 'switch'?

Love,

Aidan xXx

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Tuesday, 22 October 2013

How to know when to push limits?

A simple question we hear a lot...

What's the most sensible and sensitive answer in your experience and opinion? Again, this one is for both Dom & subs of course.

Love,

Aidan xXx


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Monday, 21 October 2013

If there was one thing you could teach a submissive starting their journey into BDSM what would it be?

This is definitely a question for all of you more experienced players first, both Dom & sub of course.

But maybe some of you just starting out will have a 'thing or two' to add to this...?

Hopefully this will be another interesting thread.

Love & Kisses,

Aidan xXx


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Friday, 18 October 2013

Ideas for Basic Scenes for Novice Doms...

We'd like to hear from you about ideas for beginners-scenes for newbie Dom(me)s. What kind of scene would work from your experience. Any hints/tips on what to avoid maybe too?

Love,

Aidan xXx

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Thursday, 17 October 2013

What's your favourite type or kind of porn? And what makes 'Good Porn'?

You know, what floats your boat? What gets you off? And what do you find simply ridiculously
crap/bad?

Love to hear from you, and don't be shy!

Love, Aidan xXx



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Wednesday, 16 October 2013

What actually is the difference between 'Kink' and 'Fetish'?


This question is not as straight-forward as it might appear at first sight... It'd be great to hear your own personal definitions please. Bring it on!

Love,

Aidan x


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Tuesday, 15 October 2013

What Your Favorite Porn Says About You! (By Stanley Siegel)

"Porn intensely focuses our mental and physical attention, uncovering specific emotions eroticized much earlier in life. Through our sexual fantasies, we attempt to master feelings of powerlessness, shame, guilt, fear and loneliness that have followed us into adulthood.

Encoded in the porn scenes that lead us to orgasm are the psychological antidotes to these feelings. Situating ourselves in humiliating, romantic or risky scenes counteracts painful feelings by turning them into pleasurable ones. Psychologically, this happens outside our awareness, the way blood cells heal a cut finger without our knowing it.

To decode eroticized feelings, look at family dynamics. Childhood conflicts produce strong emotions that never completely disappear. Their impact echoes long into adulthood, woven into our fantasies, even when denied. What arouses us is far from random or meaningless. The porn we choose to watch is dictated by our psychological histories."

READ MORE: http://www.psychologytomorrowmagazine.com/what-your-favorite-porn-says-about-you/

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“SEX WORKER OR THERAPIST?” By Stanley Siegel on Psychology Tomorrow Magazine

"I wrote a column as I usually do, a weekly column on the subject of sex called Intelligent Lust, that set off a firestorm of controversy. It was a column that explores the creativity of sexuality called “Sex Worker or Therapist?”.

It made analogies between those sex workers who feel that their work involves an extraordinarily compassionate and empathetic process with their clients, and I made comparisons between the kinds of skills and talents that sex workers might use in their work with their clients and those that over the years I discovered that therapists, including myself, use."

READ MORE: http://www.psychologytomorrowmagazine.com/about-the-magazine/

READ 'SEX WORKER OR THERAPIST' HERE: http://www.psychologytomorrowmagazine.com/sex-worker-or-therapist/


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What's in your BDSM / SEX TOY Bag...?

We'd love to know what you think are 'the essentials'. And also maybe tell us about toys and equipment not neccessarily bought from specialist BDSM / Sex shops, but rather DIY or household items and play-things you've made yourself (this should be interesting)!



Love Aidan xXx


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Monday, 14 October 2013

Gummi / Rubber / Latex Fetish



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Fetish / Kink Map (by Katherine Gates, Author of 'Deviant Desires: Incredibly Strange Sex')

Fetishes mapped! (by Katherine Gates, Author of 'Deviant Desires: Incredibly Strange Sex')

http://www.amazon.com/Deviant-Desires-Incredibly-Strange-Sex/dp/1890451037/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338578483&sr=8-1





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Foot Fetish



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Smoking Fetish




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Getting Kinky: How to Share Your Fetish or Fantasy - How to discuss a fantasy, fetish, or kinky request.

 

Let's be honest... Most everyone has some type of secret fantasy, fetish, or kinky desire. They have something in the back of their mind (or tucked in the back of a closet) that they are just dying to share with the right partner. But, bringing up the topic with a date or mate can be difficult. How do you go from "sexual fantasies" to "reality"?

Like most things on this blog, we can find the solution in persuasion and influence! So, break out your kama sutra, BDSM gear, or that little nurses outfit, and read on. Below are 5 steps to introducing your partner to what really turns you on.
How To Get Kinky

1) Realize that Fantasies and Kinks are Normal

Before you discuss your desires with anyone else, you first must be comfortable with them yourself. You may well be your partner's first introduction into the topic. As a result, you will be leading them. If you are comfortable, they will be comfortable. Besides, despite the often sexually-repressive culture, everyone has something a bit "kinky". So, embrace your inner desires.

Getting comfortable with your desired fetish or fantasy serves two persuasive purposes. First, you end up modeling the type of positive behavior you hope your partner follows. Second, you "normalize" the behavior and request, making it easier for your partner to accept as part of their worldview. When they see you discussing it comfortably, they come to feel that it is a normal and comfortable topic to discuss (and later take part in). So, to be persuasive, get comfortable with your fantasy and accept it...then share it.

2) Communicate that Your Desires are Intimate and Special

There is an unfortunate misconception that fantasies, fetishes, and kink necessarily "objectify" and "distance" lovers from one another. Usually, just the opposite is true. Sharing your secret sexual cravings with a special partner can increase trust and intimacy. It is a special, private piece of who you are that you are giving to someone else.

As a result, be sure to communicate that you want to share your fantasies or fetishes as "something intimate and special, with a special person". Highlight the fact that your partner is unique, special, and you desire to share the behavior as an intimate experience with them. This operates on the influence principle of "scarcity" - where individuals value more what is special, rare, or unique. So, when you make the request intimate and special, you also make it scarce...and irresistible.

3) Demonstrate that Others are Enjoying It

Pretty much anything you are into has some coverage in movies, magazines, videos, etc. For some reason Netflix movies seem to be a goldmine for fantasy, fetish, and kink. In any case, lightly expose your partner to a bit of that "culture". Casually comment about an article you read. Select a movie that features that type of fetish. Show them a video online that a "buddy" happened to send you. Begin to expose them to positive representations of the activities you like.

Yes, this does follow another influence principle - the principle of social proof. Individuals often choose to do what they see other people doing (especially when those people enjoy it). So, showing or discussing positive examples of "other people doing" what you desire will make your partner more interested and agreeable to it.

4) Appeal to Your Partner's Self-Image

We all have different "sides" or "selves". The "self" that we have at work is different than the "self" we have with friends. Our "sexual self" is no different...and it changes over time.

To ensure your partner's comfort and agreement with a topic, make sure to align it with aspects of their sexual self. If they believe they are "adventurous" in bed, then praise their adventurousness and suggest your kink as an adventure. If they believe they are "intimate" in bed, then tell them you love their intimacy and suggest a fantasy as a further way of getting intimate.

The appeal requires that you first get them to "commit" to a certain self-image, where they say the type of person they are. You may do this in the form of a leading question (e.g. "are you adventurous?"). Next, you affirm that self-image with an attribution of your own (e.g. "that's what I love about you, you're so adventurous"). Finally, you present your desire in a way consistent with that self-image (e.g. "let's try something adventurous together").

This process works on the self dynamics of your partner. It helps them "see themselves as the kind of person" who would engage in a fantasy, fetish, or kink. It also employs the influence principles of commitment/consistency and attribution. Individuals are motivated to remain consistent to a self-image they project (consistency) or an image that others have of them (attribution). Therefore, when their image is in agreement with a behavior...they do it.

5) Start Small and Work Up

When you introduce your partner to a fantasy or fetish, start SMALL. Don't bring out the latex suit and full body harness, or the entire clown outfit, on the first night. Ease them into it. Just the small toy. Just the handcuffs. Then work your way up!

Starting small allows your partner time to ease in, adjust and get comfortable. It also makes a "yes" to larger requests later more likely. The principle is called the foot-in-the-door effect - where individuals who say yes to small requests initially are more likely to say yes to big requests later. So, be patient. Let your partner ease in, then introduce something more, until you get to the whole fantasy.

Conclusion

Sharing your fetish or fantasy with a partner can be a positive (and persuasive) experience. You don't have to keep quiet. Just get comfortable with what you want, to ask calmly and confidently. Make your partner feel special and unique to share your desires. Show them positive examples of others enjoying what you like. Align the request with their self-image. Finally, start small and work your way up. Follow those steps...and you both will reach kinky bliss in no time.

Go to www.AttractionDoctor.com for more dating and relationship advice (in helpful categories)!

Make sure you get the next article too! Click here to sign up to my Facebook page, Email, and RSS. I keep my friends informed :)
 
Finally, remember to share, like, tweet, and comment below.


Until next time...happy dating and relating!

Dr. Jeremy Nicholson
 
The Attraction Doctor

 




http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201111/getting-kinky-how-share-your-fetish-or-fantasy

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BDSM: A Guide for Nice Guys (by Franklin Veaux)

So you're a nice guy. You think that people should be treated with respect and courtesy; you find violence, particularly violence against women, reprehensible; you would never, under any circumstances, raise your hand in anger against someone you love. And now your partner is asking you to tie her up, or call her names, or spank her, or maybe even "rape" her. All this goes against everything you believe. What do you do?

For starters, it's not what you think.
The first thing to do is to understand, deep down inside, that it's possible to do these things and still be a good person. While some of these things may superficially resemble abuse, there's an important difference; unlike an abuser, you are doing these things because you both enjoy them, and you're doing them in a way that is safe, consensual, and respectful of her limits and desires.

One way to think about it is that you're playing a role. A person who plays a villain on TV is not actually a villain; and if you and your partner play out roles for your mutual enjoyment, it doesn't mean you're being abusive. You and your partner can play out roles in which you are harsh and demanding and she is your sex slave, and this does not mean that you actually believe women should be subordinate to men.
But I was always taught to treat women with respect!
There is nothing wrong or disrespectful about treating people the way they want to be treated.

Even if the way they want to be treated is not what you're accustomed to.
Not everyone has the same desires, wants, or needs. Treating your partner with respect means treating your partner the way she wants to be treated--even if that means she wants you to treat her like a dirty little minx sometimes. Seriously--if your partner is approaching you with the idea of exploring BDSM, then most likely, there is some part of her which responds very strongly to filling that role.

There is not one "right" way to behave that applies to all people all the time. If something adds pleasure to your life and to your partner's life, then it's not a bad thing, even if it is unconventional. And there's certainly no crime in taking pleasure from bringing your partner pleasure!

There is no rule which says that nice guys can't be adventurous. No law says that nice guys never fuck their girlfriends in the ass or tell their girlfriends to strip and masturbate in front of them. It's about learning what you like, learning what she likes, and creating a scene that brings you both pleasure; being a nice guy means being willing to explore avenues that bring joy to your partner's life!


What kind of guy enjoys doing these things?
The kind of guy who enjoys exploring with his partner and pleasing his partner, of course!

More than that, though; by exploring your fantasies and your partner's fantasies, you create a deep intimacy that's hard to beat. This kind of exploration, and sharing of fantasies and sexual feelings, helps form a bond of intimacy and trust that's at once more romantic and more passionate than you may believe.

And the pleasure to be gained simply from seeing your partner eager to service you and submit to your desires shouldn't be discounted, either...

To do this, though, you may need to unlearn some things about what "nice guys" do and feel. "Nice guy syndrome" can sometimes prevent you from being able to really focus on your partner, and see what she wants; you may see social proconceptions of who "women are" or what "women want" instead. Women are individuals; focus on what the woman you're with wants rather than what "women want."

In extreme cases, "nice guy syndrome" can make you feel uncomfortable seeing your partner as a sexual being at all. But human beings are sexual beings, and it's hard to imagine anyone who doesn't want to be seen as sexually attractive by her mate; seeing your partner in a sexual light is not only healthy, it's an important part of any sexual relationship!
I don't even know where to begin with this stuff...
As with most things, you begin simply. Sex in general and BDSM in particular are learned skills; like all learned skills, you learn by doing. Start slow, learn what you and your partner like and don't like, and elaborate on the things you learn as you go along.
The best way to get started exploring BDSM is by talking to your partner. Discuss your fantasies and her fantasies; don't worry about whether or not those fantasies are things you would really explore or not, or even if they're things that are plausible or feasible. You're just talking about the things that turn you on, no matter how outlandish or how kinky they may be. Don't be timid, embarrassed, or ashamed, even of fantasies that seem extreme or frightening; these are fantasies, after all, not reality. Even extreme fantasies that you would never consider doing in real life can provide ideas or suggestions about places to explore, or things that turn you on!

Let's say, for example, that your partner has fantasies about being tied up and molested. You can start to explore by trying some light bondage or restraint; no need to go all-out, just start by holding her down or tying her arms with ordinary rope. If things go well, you may discover that you want to go farther next time, or you may come up with new ideas to try. And who knows? You may just find that it really turns you on...

At this point, it's probably worthwhile to discuss a few general guidelines as you start exploring this stuff. Some things to remember:

- Don't feel that you have to try everything all at once. Don't do too much, too fast. You have plenty of time! You're exploring what turns you on, what turns your partner on, and what you can create together; it's far better to end a scene thinking you could have gone farther than ending a scene thinking you've gone too far!

- Talk to your partner after you're done, espeically when you've tried something new. Spend some time talking about how you felt, how she felt, what turned you on, and what things you might want to explore later. Remember, whenever you try anything new, you will sometimes find things that you or your partner respond to in ways you didn't expect. You may even find that something you thought you'd like, or something she thought she'd like, triggers a negative reaction that you didn't anticipate. There's nothing wrong with that; you're exploring. By definition, when you explore, you don't always know what you'll find! If you discover something that you don't like, or that didn't go the way you expected, it's okay; you've learned from it, and now you have greater knowledge about how to please yourself and your partner.

- There's nothing wrong with taking pleasure from dominating your partner. If you find that you respond to taking charge in the bedroom, and your partner responds to being dominated, great! You're both happy; enjoy yourselves! Besides, it's much more fun to submit to a person who enjoys being dominant. It works both ways; you can take pleasure from pleasing your partner, and she can take pleasure from pleasing you.

- The greatest asset you have is a sense of self-confidence. It doesn't matter if you don't think you know what you're doing, or if things don't always go the way you wanted them to; it doesn't matter if you're uncertain about something you're trying. All this is normal. What does matter is that you project an air of confidence and control; just this alone can get you through a number of problems. You forget something? Something not working right? Smile and keep going anyway; chances are, she'll never even notice. Remember, you're playing a role; project confidence even if you don't feel it, and you'll do okay.

- Keep your eyes open and your common sense sharp. The best single safety tool you have is your common sense. Watch for problems; don't leave someone tied up unattended, don't try devices or gadgets on your partner if you don't have a sense of how they feel yourself.
But she wants me to spank her! I don't want to hurt her!
Ah, that's a bit tricky. Things are not always what they seem; there's a big difference between erotic pain and ordinary, garden-variety pain. The experience of pain in an erotic context, for someone who's wired that way, is nothing like what you may imagine; it's an incredible rush, that adds a powerful spice to sexual pleasure. Think of it like spice in chili; you might not like taking a bite out of a hot pepper, but in the right amount, it makes the chili a whole lot better...

Even things that look extreme, such as flogging or whipping, can be deceptive. These things don't feel like you imagine they do, and in the right environment with the right warmup, they're wonderful. And once your partner's endorphins, the natural painkilling chemicals produced in the brain, get going, it's the most intense, delightful high you can ever believe.

Of course, pain play is something you want to explore slowly. You don't jump right into it; it takes time and practice to learn where your partner's limits are, and how your partner responds to things like spanking. But don't be so afraid of anything that looks painful--your partner is less fragile than you might think, and in the right setting, pain is both a powerful aphrodesiac and a tremendously pleasureable high. Pay attention, go slow, and you're not going to hurt her. As with many aspects of BDSM, pain is not always what it seems...

If you are worried about hurting your partner for real in a not-fun kind of way, it's easy with a little practice to calm that fear. It's really just question of paying close attention to your partner, noticing the way that she responds, and keeping communication open. When you start out, ask for feedback. Pay attention to what you're doing, and pay attention to how she responds. As you get to know what your partner likes, you'll find that you learn to gauge what you're doing and you learn how much is too much, and how much is "just right."


You can get a bit of my own perspective on pain play, if you'd like, here.
She wants me to boss her around! Men aren't supposed to do that to women.
Men aren't supposed to do that to women non-consensually. Men aren't supposed to assume that they can automatically tell women what to do and expect women to hop to it; that's chauvanistic.

It's not the same, though, when your partner wants you to tell her what to do. In the context of a mutual D/s relationship, it's not chauvanism; it's something you both do because it's fun and enjoyable for both of you.

Sometimes, it's a lot of fun to have your partner say "Okay, I want you to strip and lie down with your legs spread," or whatever. It's fun to surrender to your partner and let your partner call the shots, as long as you both understand that you're doing it because it's a fun way to mix things up in the bedroom rather than because it's something that all women should always do for all men. Remember, if you were to start bossing around every woman you meet, that would be disrespectful; not all women want to be bossed around, after all. But if your partner wants you to boss her around because it's fun, then thre's nothing disrespectful about it; respect is in asking people what they want, and then doing the things that bring them pleasure and bring you closer together.

Whenever you let ideas about what men are "supposed" to do, you run into trouble. The problem with thinking that men are "supposed" to not be in control is the same as the problem with thinking that men are "supposed" to always be in control--it ignores that different women have different tastes and different desires. If there's anything that men and women are truly "supposed" to do, I think it's this: Men and women are supposed to recognize that not everyone is the same, and work together to recognize those differences and make sure that everyone has an opportunity to be happy.
What if she wants me to call her names and humiliate her? That's not respectful!
Humiliation play, like pain play, is another of those things that's not what it looks like from the outside. In a sense, it's the emotional equivalent of pain play; and like pain play, it's all about context. In the right setting, under the right circumstance, with the right person, it can for some people be an intense, white-hot turn-on; and as with much of BDSM play, it's helpful to think about it as playing a role.

Remember, this is something you do because it's something your partner wants. You can, during a BDSM scene, call your partner a dirty, filthy whore, and it doesn't mean that's really how you see her; you're in a role, and you're doing it because it's a turn-on. Outside of that role, you may think your lover is the most exquisite woman ever to walk the face of the earth; the things you do during a scene are not the whole of how you see her in your ordinary, day-to-day life!

And there's nothing wrong with enjoying erotic humiliation, if your partner enjoys it. It doesn't make you a bad person; it doesn't mean you want to degrade women; it means you take pleasure in creating an environment that's arousing and exciting.

This kind of play may seem silly, or awkward, or both, when you first start experimenting with it. You may find it's difficult to say and do things which humiliate your partner, and it might feel forced or contrived. That's a normal part of playing any unfamiliar role. This sort of play, like any skill, becomes easier and more natural with practice.

Don't worry about it becoming something that changes the way you think about women in the real world; like pain play, humiliation play is contextual both for your partner and for you. It's not going to suddenly make you into an insensitive clod. The difference in mindset between exploring humiliation play with a lover and actually believing that women deserve to be degraded is as great as the difference between playing a hit man in a movie and actually being a hit man.
But I still don't know what to do!
The best way to begin is to talk to your partner, and ask her what she might like to try. Here are some ideas to start with:
- If you want to explore bondage, the easiest way to do this is with plain old cotton or nylon rope. Nylon stockings and silk scarves can cause problems, because they tend to bunch and be difficult to untie. You can tie your partner to the bed, to a chair, or simply bind her hands behind her back. Once you have her bound, you can go in a number of different directions. For example, you can kneel over her and tell her to service you with her mouth, or you can penetrate her and have sex with her. Or, you might try sensation play, running your hands or ice cubes or soft cloth or things like that over her body. Blindfolding her can make these sensations more intense. You can add a little bit of light pain play to the mix by pinching, pulling, or twisting her nipples, running your fingernails over her skin, and thinngs like that. Biting her, teasing her with tongue or fingers, and that sort of thing can be a lot of fun too.
- For introductory pain play, spanking, pinching, and biting can be good ways to begin. You might bend her over your lap, or--for a bit more fun--tie her down bent over the bed. You can combine this with roleplaying if you like; perhaps she's a naughty student and you're the disciplining teacher, for example. You can spank her with your hands, a paddle, or even a wooden spoon. Start with light, rapid strokes, and gradually increase the force until you find her limit. Remember, if you start light and build up gradually, you can get those endorphins going, which is exciting and intoxicating!
- Humiliation play can be verbal, or can involve things you do to her, or things you order her to do, or some combination of all three. For example, you can order her to kneel in front of you and give you oral sex while you tell her she's a filthy slut, or you can order her to call herself a slut or beg for sex while you tease her with your fingers and tongue, or you can kneel over her as she lies on her back and tell her to stroke you in her hands until you ejaculate over her body.
- Give her instructions to do things that excite or arouse you. For example, if you enjoy watching her masturbate (and who doesn't?), tell her to touch herself while you watch. You can be as detailed as you want, instructing her how and where to touch herself, and how hard, and how fast, and in what way; you may even enjoy instructing her to moan and sigh as she does. Or, take a different approach. Take her out to dinner, but give her detailed instructions about what she is to wear. Have her wear something that makes her easily accessible--a skirt with no panties, for example. Throughout dinner, keep her aroused by dropping hints about how you can't wait to get her home, and how she's so sexy that you're planning to have your way with her; then, when you get home, bend her over, hoist up her skirt, and take her!
- Surprise her. Mix things up. If you're exploring dominance and submission, try calling her at work one day and telling her to remove her panties, or go into the restroom and touch herself. Or, send her a text message on her phone telling her that you have plans for her and you're going to tie her up when she gets home. If she's at home when you're at work, send her an email with a list of things to do to arouse herself so that she's in the proper state of mind when you get home. If you've been talking about trying something new, create a scene where you're doing something you've done before, then add it in! Or, buy a new toy without telling her, and introduce it into your scene.
- If you run out of ideas, try doing things you've done before, but in a new way or with a new element, or combined with other things you've done. If you enjoy watching her masturbate, try adding a blindfold and telling her to touch herself. Or, make her touch herself as she watches herself in a mirror. Or make her describe how she feels out loud as she masturbates. If you enjoy having her give you oral sex, try tying her hands behind her back and then having her kneel in front of you. The possibilities for combining even simple, basic ideas in novel ways are endless; by doing this, you can keep things new and exciting all the time.
Remember: You're doing this to have fun, to share yourself and your fantasies with your partner, to make your sexual lives more exciting and dynamic, and to increase your pleasure and your partner's pleasure. There's no right or wrong way to do it. Have fun! Experiment! Be creative! And above all, enjoy yourselves!


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